doll house
sill alive am i.
within societal norms, naked, bare.
a living doll walking this circular square
surrounding the beating song of my heart: the doll house...
having no room to breathe within isolation for so long i feel
the roof begin to descend until the end of the hallway
pushes against my tongue and
i'm choking on words i never thought i could say
to you, to
squeezing past the carpeted lies of velvet dreams and black eyes,
she looks up past the skylight: a reflection of my fantasy and,
an echo of our paralleled reality, to see, but
i still don't understand how you followed me...
down the staircase
across the lawn
ascend through twilight and dance across dawn
i didn't know the door was open in your arms
and could so easily lock behind me
just in case the world decided to be a bitch...
protection in flesh bound planks built with care.
but what i do know
within these dark halls as night time falls across your mischievous eyes
my heart finds home and hearth as your soul calls to mine.
open the door to my doll house...
secrets are the candles that light your way into my mind
my heart
my soul... and once you count them all i'm sure you'll find me
down the hall
a living doll ready to be yours to call

how do you title "Pathetic" any better than that?
i know.

i get it. you don't see me.
i'd say "that's ok" but, in reality... it rips me up a little.
i keep making myself WAY too available and
getting shot down 1 step forward and several back just... sucks.
i've seen you in my mind for i don't know how many years just, hanging out in the corners... thought process from several moments in the summer sun of wishful thinking, lurking.
i hate it.
your eyes have burned holes in my memory.
and they'll never be filled...
sound pathetic? oh... BELIEVE ME... i am SO aware. and i am SO over it.
over you?
best part is... we don't even know each other that well. you've been my unicorn for so long and it just makes sense that you'll always be just that:
beautiful and COMPLETELY unattainable.
something i can see but can't touch
someone i can want but will never be with
someone i can think about but have to understand it will never work out.
we all want what we can't have
and the moments i got weren't even always awesome, but when we did click, when i actually let down my guard and so did you (mind you they really were just moments) yea, those, those were awesome.
i know.

i get it... you don't see me. and even if i tagged you in this (which, even though, while i'm forward and bold as fuck, i still don't have the guts)...
you probably never will,
and i don't think that's ever NOT going to hurt.
i guess the whole point of this note, which proba
bly belongs locked away in my journal somewhere... the whole point was to get out there that
i'm trying, you don't care (at least, not the way i do) and acceptance is attainable
it just sucks.
so does denial, which i fight every time i dream of your eyes. which also sucks, because they're one of the most beautiful things about your physique... and then
yup now... now i'm thinking about you. how your chuckle is a-fucking-dorable and i would do a lot to get it out of you, that arguing with you is pointless but oh-so-fun, you make me smile in the dark and you know, you think i'm silly but it's ok, no, excellent... oh...
i rule at this game... someone told me i'm a masochist, and, they're right... i'm just not your typical pain seeker... i guess emotional pain and heartache is a form of self mutilation... taunt your psyche with what you can never attain... awesome
not a new epiphany but... feels good to say out loud i guess.

i hate that i want to fall for you.
huzzah for little-girl crushes that never fade... even when you try to pencil them onto construction paper hearts, just in case your real one beats too fast when he's near. eraser marks were never good at getting you off mine.
ooo that was poetic
like that one character from the movie you hate so much.

i love all the hints i've dropped and how only ONE person will know who you are... because i know you won't read this.

good night. see you later
because i'm not brave enough, to say
good bye.

maybe giving up is just another way to say
"fuck you"

today is 3 years... it's been 3 years. they say things get better with time but they never tell you how long and no one is ever going to know.
because everyone is different... blah blah blah...
3 years...
it's an echo
a broken record
and i'm so tired of this damn song........

doo doo da do doo
Listening to Brandon Heath and Michael Buble... Linkin Park just ended... but i still have the OWL CITY's last line circling on loop in my head... if one's brain could have a sing-song voice, mine would...
"but i don't need a telescope,
to see there's hope
and it helps me feel brave"

it is an interesting feeling, the one of acceptance that one has no real control over events in their life. all we can do is react to whatever actions take place. ok, perhaps not EVERYTHING is out of our control but sometimes it does feel that way.
it is a nice day, perfect for St. Patrick's Day, i'm considering calling in sick to class on accounts of a "religious holiday" i mean, granted, i AM  Irish...
i doubt it would fly tho... oh well, wistful thinking right? (yes i know it's "wishful" thinking... i like "wistful" better)

sing me sing me one last song.........
la la la la la la la la....
Goths in Green... should be an Irish goth band...

*sigh* time for a shower...


thought of him in passing
you'll never know if i love you unless you ask...

and i'll never know if you see me unless you tell me...

but the silence between us is deafening...


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